Sexual Trauma & Incest Trauma

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One of the most difficult things to talk about, and one of the things that brings people to start therapy with me the most, is sexual trauma. 

 

Maybe you’re not sure how to talk about it. Maybe you’re not even sure if that term applies to you. This page is here for you to read more about what sexual trauma is, how it may show up in your life or the lives of others around you, and what you can do to help yourself or a loved one who has been impacted by sexual trauma. 

 

What is sexual trauma?

 

Sexual trauma is an umbrella term that encompasses many different types of experiences. Put simply, sexual trauma refers to the incidents of and impacts of nonconsensual sexual experiences. Examples of sexual trauma include rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and more. 

 

Although it is an uncomfortable topic for many people to think about or discuss, it is important to recognize that sexual trauma happens. In fact, it happens frequently. 

 

Statistics on Sexual Trauma

 

Unfortunately, sexual trauma is not uncommon. The national organization RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Network), which is the United State’s largest anti-sexual violence organization and the operator of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, publishes important statistics about sexual trauma. These statistics are taken from the National Crime Victimization Survey, which is conducted by the United States Department of Justice. 

 

The following statistics pertain to the United States, and reflect an average of the last 5 years of data from this survey: 

 

• Someone in the United States is sexually assaulted every minute. 

 

• More than 443,000 people over the age of 12 experience sexual violence in some form every year. 

 

• 69% of survivors of sexual assault are between ages 12-34. 

 

• 15% of survivors of sexual assault are aged 12-17. 

 

• 1 in 6 women has experienced an attempted or completed rape in her life. The same is true for 1 in every 33 men. 

 

• 1 out of every 10 rape victims is a male. 

 

• 60% of rapes are committed by a person that the survivor knows - from casual acquaintances to intimate partners, even family members and relatives. 

 

• For juveniles, that number rises to 93%. 

 

• And for many reasons, approximately only 1 in 3 survivors of sexual assault report the crime to law enforcement. 

 

Sexual trauma can happen to anyone, and be perpetrated by anyone. It is statistically likely that someone in your life has experienced sexual trauma in some form during their lifetime. Maybe that person is you. 

 

 

When The Person Who Hurt You is a Family Member

 

Even though sexual trauma is not uncommon, talking about sexual trauma is difficult for most people. Survivors often fear that they won’t be believed if they talk about what happened to them. They fear that they will be dismissed, diminished or questioned. Too often, survivors of sexual trauma hear “are you sure that that is what really happened?” Or “I know the person you say did this, and that doesn’t sound like them at all.” They may even hear some form of “I’m really sorry that happened - but don’t you think it’s time to move on? Are you going to be upset about this forever?” 

 

Most people are uncomfortable talking about sexual trauma, and are not trained on how to help someone who has experienced it. This alone can make survivors very nervous about discussing their experiences, and lead them to decide not to discuss it at all. 

 

That fear often intensifies when the survivor was hurt by a family member or relative. 

 

Sexual contact or sexual abuse perpetrated by a family member who is related by blood, adoption, or marriage, is called incest. Incest may be perpetrated by immediate family, extended family, or others in a household. 

 

Remember the statistic above that said that most juvenile survivors of sexual assault know the perpetrator? The National Crime Victimization Survey also reports that 34% of perpetrators of sexual trauma on minors are a family member of their target of abuse. 

 

Sexual trauma caused by a family member can result in very complicated emotional responses for the survivor. We are supposed to feel safe, supported, and loved by our family. When a relative extorts the power dynamic that exists between family members, where children and minors are especially vulnerable, it not only violates that child's right to physical safety, but it emotionally contorts the foundation of how they understand family. 

 

Many survivors of incest trauma feel confusion about what happened to them. They may have been told that what happened to them is normal, even if it’s secretive. They may innately feel that something bad has happened, but don’t want to get their family member in trouble. They might interpret that bad feeling as guilt and responsibility, and fear being blamed, or getting into trouble themselves. They may rely on the family member who hurt them for shelter, food, and other necessities, and fear losing those resources if they tell someone else what happened. And very often, as with other types of sexual trauma, survivors of incest worry that they just won’t be believed. 

 

Survivors of incest trauma often don’t disclose what happened to them until they are adults. Many never speak about their experience at all. 

 

But this often leaves them to deal with the emotional and mental fallout of their trauma alone - and this is where survivors can become emotionally and psychologically stuck. 

 

The Impact of Sexual Trauma 

 

It is important to note that, as with any other trauma, survivors of sexual trauma may respond differently than how we may socially expect them to. There is no one “right” way to feel, think, or act after a sexually traumatic event has happened. 

 

When a sexual trauma occurs, it can be devastating for the survivor. They may experience intense feelings like fear, shame, loneliness, betrayal, anger, guilt, denial, and more. 

 

Survivors of sexual trauma may act differently than they usually do. They may suddenly become reclusive, isolated and intensely anxious. They may be angry, irritable, and prone to outbursts that don’t make sense to the people around them. They may be tearful and deeply depressed, and have little hope. They might turn to using substances like drugs and alcohol that numb their painful thoughts and feelings.

 

They may show no difference at all, and be fighting a mental and emotional battle right under the surface without ever letting others see, without ever asking for help. 

 

Sexual trauma can change the map of the world in a survivor’s head. The way they feel about and understand the world, and their place in it, can dramatically change. The world can suddenly seem like a dangerous place, where they are no longer safe anymore. A survivor of sexual trauma may have great difficulty trusting others, even people who have been in their lives for a long time who have never hurt them. They may feel like their understanding of the past has changed, their present may feel dark and threatening, and the future might be a hopeless place that is difficult to imagine. 

 

Sexual trauma can impact a person deeply. It can change how they think and feel about themselves, about other people, and about the world. 

 

If you or someone you know has been impacted by sexual trauma, I want you to know that it doesn’t have to feel this way forever. There are things that you can do to help you feel safe again, to help you trust again, to help you feel hopeful about the future again. One of those things is starting therapy with a licensed mental health professional who is trained in treating survivors of sexual trauma. 

 

 

How Can Counseling Help Me After a Sexual Trauma?

 

If you’ve never gone to therapy before, you may be feeling anxious about the idea of talking to a therapist. You may even be skeptical of how talking to a stranger about your worst experiences can help you feel better. 

 

It is normal to feel nervous about starting therapy, or even to be suspicious of how helpful it will be. 

 

But you’re here reading this webpage - so perhaps there is a curiosity inside of you, even if it is small, that is wondering if counseling can help you feel better. 

 

Starting therapy with an extensively educated and licensed mental health professional, who has the right training and who you feel is a good working fit for you and your needs, can be what finally starts to shift the emotional pain you’ve been carrying. 

 

There is an extensive body of research that shows that working with the right therapist can help you address your emotional pain, reduce your distressing symptoms, and feel empowered and hopeful about the future again. 

 

And the best part is: there are lots of different types of therapy that can help you. 

 

Whether you start your therapy journey by going to traditional talk therapy, or you seek a more specialized form of treatment such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) therapy, I recommend finding a therapist who is trauma-informed, and who has experience and training in treating survivors of sexual trauma. It is a specific type of trauma that has many components and complexities, and working with a trained and licensed mental health provider can help you get the most out of your therapy treatment. 

 

You may read all of this and still think to yourself: I don’t know. This all sounds so complicated. What if I don’t pick the right type of therapy? 

 

Let me address that doubt. 

 

The relationship that you have with your therapist is more important than the type of therapy you receive.

 

It’s true that choosing the right kind of therapy for you can be difficult, and it can even take some trial and error. But if you’re thinking of starting therapy, I want you to know that it is not the style of therapy that is the most important part of treatment. It’s not where your therapist trained, or how many years of experience your therapist has. 

 

The most beneficial component of therapy is the relationship you have with your therapist. 

 

Research has demonstrated that clients who began therapy for a variety of reasons most often reported that what they determined most helpful was the quality of the relationship they had with their therapist. A strong therapeutic alliance, as this relationship is called, has a foundation of safety, trust, respect and empathy, which allows you, the client, to fully engage in therapy. To be vulnerable, to explore painful thoughts and feelings safely, and to know that your therapist really does care about you. 

 

If you’re on the fence about starting therapy for any reason, I encourage you to find a licensed therapist who you feel comfortable with. Someone who makes you feel safe, heard, and respected. When you find the counselor who is the right fit for you, your therapy journey is off to a great start.

 

If you’re still not sure about starting therapy to address your sexual trauma, there are other options. Consider finding a local support group for survivors of sexual trauma, contacting a local or a national organization that assists survivors such as RAINN, or using resources like the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which can be found at this link: https://rainn.org/help-and-healing/hotline/ 

 

And if you do decide to take the leap and begin therapy, know that there is a therapist out there who is ready to help you.